The Man with the Loaded Gun

As I was channel surfing the other night, I ended up watching a live Emergency Room show shot in Portland, Oregon, where I live.  The emergencies being shown that evening were of a young boy who broke both his arms as a result of a fall from a tree swing, a man who was shot in the chest by his crazy girlfriend, and a chronic drunk who frequents the ER so often that he helped himself to the CT scan. Okay, they had me sucked in like a sailor at a strip bar. The hands-down winner of the most stupid person in the ER that night was a man who shot a hole in his penis with a 32 caliber handgun. You see, I am not all that knowledgeable about guns so I can’t tell you whether it was a 32 caliber revolver, a 32 caliber pistol, or a 32 caliber derringer, all that I know is that if I had a penis I wouldn’t be putting a loaded gun anywhere near it! I didn’t even know carrying loaded handguns was legal in the state of Oregon, I thought it was only allowed in Texas, Wyoming, and Starbucks.

Apparently the little buckaroo had just left a shooting range with his buddies when he decided to carry the loaded gun down his pants. Even his friends told him that he shouldn’t put the gun anywhere near Sparky! Maybe he thought it made him look like John Wayne for a moment, however he should’ve remembered one of John Wayne’s most famous quotes: “Life is hard, it’s even harder when you’re stupid!”

Let’s talk about the penis for a moment, shall we? The penis is the little multi-tasker of the male body. It has many purposes from excreting liquid wastes, to procreation, to pleasure. We are all familiar with those hats that it wears, but it’s faithful owners have  other uses for the appendage that are sometimes forgotten, for example it can sometimes serve as a towel rack, it can put out a small campfire in an emergency, and if you tie a string around it you can pretend it’s a puppet.  I could spend all day describing the many entertaining aspect of the penis according to men, but I won’t! Women love penises as well, and for good reason, penises absolutely do not care what we look like in the morning, the penis gives us a damn good excuse for being neurotic, Freud has even diagnosed our neurosis: Penis Envy, and by the looks of it, it’s definitive proof that God is a woman and that she has a sense of humor! Even with the plethora of wonders of the penis, there is another side to it as well, a darker side and I’m not talking about its two neighbors to the south. It makes smart men do stupid things, it makes smart women do stupid things and it makes stupid men use their jeans as a holster.

With all that the penis has going for itself, why would any man stick a loaded handgun down the front of his pants pointing directly at his Pleasure Probe? Well fortunately for the Portland City Cowboy, the bullet only shot a small hole in his penis; it missed the urethra, the testicles, and the scrotum. Had it been a 45 caliber gun it would have blown the Willy right off the Wonka! I can’t begin to try to figure out what was going on in that man’s head that day and what made him entertain the idea that packing a pistol in his pants was remotely an intelligent thing to do. But I can tell you that any guy who sticks a loaded handgun down the front of his pants doesn’t deserve to have a penis!